Hold My Heart.

So I was just looking on Youtube and I found that my choir teacher had posted this video from Pops Show:

I didn't do anything this year.

Looking back on this school year, I can't help but think that I could have done so much more than I did. I could have read my Bible more. I could have prayed more. I could have had more intentional conversations about Jesus with people who don't know Him. Maybe I could have been more of an evangelistic powerhouse.... But I wasn't. And if I were to measure the "success" of this last school year based on what I didn't do, it would no doubt be a failure. Because I fail. And if I were to rate this year according to the expectations I had for myself, I would definitely be disappointed. Fortunately, this year wasn't about me. It wasn't about who I could have been and what I could have done. It was, as it always has been and always will be for the rest of eternity, about the God of the universe. About who He is and What He is doing. He takes every expectation that we could ever have, and blows them out of the water. And for that reason, this year was nothing short of incredible. 
 
About a year ago I started this blog. And in my very first post I included a free-write journal that I had written on the first day of school. At the time I was blown away by the ways that God had answered my prayers for that year. And today, as I try to wrap my head around everything that happened this school year, I can't help but reflect on what I posted the first day of my senior year:

I pray that we would simply be used as open vessels for the Holy Spirit to move through, and that our fear would be completely dissolved, because if our God is for us, who can be against us? I pray for the breaking down of the hearts of those who don't know Him... that their eyes would be opened to the God shaped hole inside of them... and that they see him in us... and they notice Him as the only thing that can fill their emptiness. I pray that they are overcome by hunger and thirst. Because only He can fully satisfy them, and He is the well that won't run dry....... This school year is Going to be different. I pray for childlike faith so that I can purely believe it will be.

I can't fully express to you how much God answered this prayer.  One evening in the middle of the school year I randomly stumbled on this post. My skin was immediately infested by goosebumps, and I sat in teary-eyed awe of how great our God is. Let me tell you. Fear was dissolved. Hearts were broken down. And I watched as people were overcome by a hunger and thirst for their maker.

Ok... the entire school was not transformed into a body of people passionate about Jesus. But I remember the first week of school when I heard three people... the last three people I  would ever expect... vocalize in front of an entire class that they wanted to "Know God more". I remember sitting in the computer lab as I heard a girl ask word for word "How do I know for sure that I'm going to heaven?" I remember sitting across a table from a student asking me question upon question about why I believe what I believe. I remember sitting at a table of girls one day who wanted to know the purpose of life. I remember the bus ride home when the girl sitting next to me asked me why I believe God exists. And I remember watching students who barely knew Jesus at the beginning of the year literally fall flat on their face and dance uncontrollably in worship, because after truly experiencing God, it was all they could do in response.

And these are just a few of the moments that stick out to me.

And no... I didn't have the courage to waltz down the hallways announcing that Jesus is the only one that can save. But.... God gave me the courage to do what I never in a million years thought I could do. Stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people exposing the depths of my heart and what Jesus has done in it. From the mime that I did for speech contest and talent show... to the song that I wrote and did at Pops Show.... the Holy Spirit was the one at work through all of it. Not me. I was just kinda there, shaking like a scared kitten because of terrible stage fright and the fear of failing. If it would have been me up there, I definitely would have failed. But it wasn't me, and God doesn't fail. And one of the biggest blessings was getting to watch as some of my closest friends and biggest encouragers were used as vessels for the spirit to use in absolutely incredible ways. Wow.

So... even though we didn't really do anything this year... it's ok, because God has already done it all.

Back To Blogging

280 days have past since my last post. However, it is currently 1:17 A.M. and I do not have the proper brain energy to generate a legit post. So let this post be a promise to myself and whoever else it may concern that I will be back to blogging this summer. My fingers need the exercise.

And so it begins... or rather, the end of a beginning.

       This summer I spent approximately 96 hours in a vehicle (not including everyday local trips), traveled about 6,000 miles, and have been 8 states. I swam in lakes, rivers, pools, and an ocean. I've been on roller coasters, water rides, zip lines, ropes courses, boat rides, and parasailing. And then there were the concerts, fireworks, sunrises and sunsets, and countless bonfires under the stars....and oh.. soooo much more. Seriously, I'm never going to forget this summer. So many memories. So many of my favorite things and favorite people. But most of all, I'm never going to forget what God did in me this summer. He was molding me and preparing me for these moments. And what do I mean by these moments? Well today was the first day of school... my senior year. A year of new leadership and responsibility. A year of new boldness. A year that requires my fellow Christ followers and I to go full force. To be His warriors for his kingdom. We are going onto a battlefield each and every day. As cheesy or dramatic as it may sound, it is not in any way an exaggeration. We need to be fully armed and prepared, and I believe that is what God was doing in us this summer. Now, I pray that we would simply be used as open vessels for the Holy Spirit to move through, and that our fear would be completely dissolved, because if our God is for us, who can be against us? I pray for the breaking down of the hearts of those you don't know Him... that their eyes would be opened to the God shaped hole inside of them... and that they see him in us... and they notice Him as the only thing that can fill their emptiness. I pray that they are overcome by hunger and thirst. Because only He can fully satisfy them, and He is the well that won't run dry....... This school year is Going to be different. I pray for childlike faith so that I can purely believe it will be.

A Rising Generation.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take its place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

 This song was placed heavily on my heart today. We are that generation. A revival is happening. And we cannot and will not do it alone. It's all Him. I pray that we would be filled with selfless faith and humble boldness. That our hearts would be surrendered and purified. That our eyes would be open to the things unseen. That our hearts would be broken for what breaks His. That everything we are would be for His kingdom and glory. Now, and forever.
Amen.

I don't Know where I'm going, but I know who I'm following.

          This post is tragically overdue. The reason that I haven't posted in so long is because so much has happened in the past month that if I tried to write about all of it, I would seriously make your eyes bleed from a ridiculously long post. So I've been putting it off, but I can't procrastinate anymore. It's a deadly trap that I fall into ALL the time....Anyway, I'm not going to give you the details of my last couple trips, because seriously... my fingers would be bleeding along with your eyes. So instead, here's a little piece of what's been on my heart:
        I walk on the narrow path. Consequently, I'm going to be on a lot of mountain tops and through a whole lot of valleys. For some reason that is so beyond my comprehension, God is present through it all. Why? I don't know. I don't get Him, I don't get his unconditional love and never-ending grace... there's a lot about him that I don't understand. But the most confusing and probably most amazing part of God: He is a God who NEVER fails. So when we fail, why do we dwell so harshly on it? Because I know who I am following, and he never fails. And if he is so big, then our failures will NEVER take away from his flawlessness. If our failures were on a teeter-totter with his perfection, our failures would always be in the air, because seriously, how could we in any way ever cancel out, or out weigh God?

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I  will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

               -2 Corinthians 12: 9-10


           A couple weeks ago, I was sitting on a beautiful beach in Florida having some quiet time with God. I looked around at the gorgeous white sand, the glowing sunset, all the people, the birds, and the massive blue ocean. And then I noticed a man also having some quiet time. But it captivated me, because he was sitting right next to this nasty, moldy, disgusting looking, big concrete... thing. (I don't even know)... in this pit. Here was the massive, beautiful, amazing beach all around him... yet he was wallowing in nastiness. I thought "what the heck is wrong with that dude?", but then God showed me "you do that ALL the time." How often do we dwell in our own messes, whether it's our failures or our own plans, instead of stepping out in faith and trust into the big beautiful masterpiece God has for us to embrace? Instead of craving control for something that is not worth being controlled, why don't we just let go for something  so much greater than we could ever imagine? Why not trade misery for mystery? And instead of just believing in God, how about we start BELIEVING God. Believing Him when he says that he has a plan for us. Believing Him when he says that he will never leave us or forsake us. Believing that he will NEVER brake his promises, that he CANNOT brake his promises because he is truth and he is perfect. Believing him when he says that we will never be given something that cannot be handled. Believing him when he says that he loves us. Believing him when he says that His strength is greater than our weakness.

That which passes my understanding.

          Losing control is a scary thing. Saying "God, this life is yours. I will go where you lead." is risky. Believing and trusting despite the unknown is terrifying. Somehow, it will all be worth it. Someday. The scariest thing is that we will never understand why God chooses to do the things he does. He seriously does work in mysterious ways. But the trick is trust. Do you really trust God with absolutely everything? I thought I knew that answer. I thought I somewhat had things figured out. But then God threw me a curve ball, and showed me that I really don't know much at all... and let me tell you, that's not fun. at all. And I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect. Not even close. Not even a little. I'm a messed up, sinful, human. Anything in me that is remotely good comes directly from him. God is good. And another thing. God is faithful. Always has been and always will be. Someday I'll go into detail about how these thoughts came about, but not today. But I must say the phrase "Easier said than done" has taking on a whole new meaning.