And so it begins... or rather, the end of a beginning.

       This summer I spent approximately 96 hours in a vehicle (not including everyday local trips), traveled about 6,000 miles, and have been 8 states. I swam in lakes, rivers, pools, and an ocean. I've been on roller coasters, water rides, zip lines, ropes courses, boat rides, and parasailing. And then there were the concerts, fireworks, sunrises and sunsets, and countless bonfires under the stars....and oh.. soooo much more. Seriously, I'm never going to forget this summer. So many memories. So many of my favorite things and favorite people. But most of all, I'm never going to forget what God did in me this summer. He was molding me and preparing me for these moments. And what do I mean by these moments? Well today was the first day of school... my senior year. A year of new leadership and responsibility. A year of new boldness. A year that requires my fellow Christ followers and I to go full force. To be His warriors for his kingdom. We are going onto a battlefield each and every day. As cheesy or dramatic as it may sound, it is not in any way an exaggeration. We need to be fully armed and prepared, and I believe that is what God was doing in us this summer. Now, I pray that we would simply be used as open vessels for the Holy Spirit to move through, and that our fear would be completely dissolved, because if our God is for us, who can be against us? I pray for the breaking down of the hearts of those you don't know Him... that their eyes would be opened to the God shaped hole inside of them... and that they see him in us... and they notice Him as the only thing that can fill their emptiness. I pray that they are overcome by hunger and thirst. Because only He can fully satisfy them, and He is the well that won't run dry....... This school year is Going to be different. I pray for childlike faith so that I can purely believe it will be.

A Rising Generation.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take its place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith

I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

 This song was placed heavily on my heart today. We are that generation. A revival is happening. And we cannot and will not do it alone. It's all Him. I pray that we would be filled with selfless faith and humble boldness. That our hearts would be surrendered and purified. That our eyes would be open to the things unseen. That our hearts would be broken for what breaks His. That everything we are would be for His kingdom and glory. Now, and forever.
Amen.

I don't Know where I'm going, but I know who I'm following.

          This post is tragically overdue. The reason that I haven't posted in so long is because so much has happened in the past month that if I tried to write about all of it, I would seriously make your eyes bleed from a ridiculously long post. So I've been putting it off, but I can't procrastinate anymore. It's a deadly trap that I fall into ALL the time....Anyway, I'm not going to give you the details of my last couple trips, because seriously... my fingers would be bleeding along with your eyes. So instead, here's a little piece of what's been on my heart:
        I walk on the narrow path. Consequently, I'm going to be on a lot of mountain tops and through a whole lot of valleys. For some reason that is so beyond my comprehension, God is present through it all. Why? I don't know. I don't get Him, I don't get his unconditional love and never-ending grace... there's a lot about him that I don't understand. But the most confusing and probably most amazing part of God: He is a God who NEVER fails. So when we fail, why do we dwell so harshly on it? Because I know who I am following, and he never fails. And if he is so big, then our failures will NEVER take away from his flawlessness. If our failures were on a teeter-totter with his perfection, our failures would always be in the air, because seriously, how could we in any way ever cancel out, or out weigh God?

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I  will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

               -2 Corinthians 12: 9-10


           A couple weeks ago, I was sitting on a beautiful beach in Florida having some quiet time with God. I looked around at the gorgeous white sand, the glowing sunset, all the people, the birds, and the massive blue ocean. And then I noticed a man also having some quiet time. But it captivated me, because he was sitting right next to this nasty, moldy, disgusting looking, big concrete... thing. (I don't even know)... in this pit. Here was the massive, beautiful, amazing beach all around him... yet he was wallowing in nastiness. I thought "what the heck is wrong with that dude?", but then God showed me "you do that ALL the time." How often do we dwell in our own messes, whether it's our failures or our own plans, instead of stepping out in faith and trust into the big beautiful masterpiece God has for us to embrace? Instead of craving control for something that is not worth being controlled, why don't we just let go for something  so much greater than we could ever imagine? Why not trade misery for mystery? And instead of just believing in God, how about we start BELIEVING God. Believing Him when he says that he has a plan for us. Believing Him when he says that he will never leave us or forsake us. Believing that he will NEVER brake his promises, that he CANNOT brake his promises because he is truth and he is perfect. Believing him when he says that we will never be given something that cannot be handled. Believing him when he says that he loves us. Believing him when he says that His strength is greater than our weakness.

That which passes my understanding.

          Losing control is a scary thing. Saying "God, this life is yours. I will go where you lead." is risky. Believing and trusting despite the unknown is terrifying. Somehow, it will all be worth it. Someday. The scariest thing is that we will never understand why God chooses to do the things he does. He seriously does work in mysterious ways. But the trick is trust. Do you really trust God with absolutely everything? I thought I knew that answer. I thought I somewhat had things figured out. But then God threw me a curve ball, and showed me that I really don't know much at all... and let me tell you, that's not fun. at all. And I have a confession to make: I'm not perfect. Not even close. Not even a little. I'm a messed up, sinful, human. Anything in me that is remotely good comes directly from him. God is good. And another thing. God is faithful. Always has been and always will be. Someday I'll go into detail about how these thoughts came about, but not today. But I must say the phrase "Easier said than done" has taking on a whole new meaning.

Inspired... without Inspiration.

         It's 12:05 A.M. and I feel a strong need to post a blog. So here's what's gonna happen... because I have no idea what to write about... I'm gonna try to just let my fingers do all the work (as they attack the keyboard) and let my mind wander a bit. Kinda like I talked about in my first post.... let's see where it takes us. No planning. If it turns out awful, I will probably just delete it. If not, I guess you guys get to see it.
         Ok, so here I go. The train of my mind feels like it's pulling into a train station. something like that. I don't even know. But what I do know is this... I'm at a loss for words... actually more like a loss for thoughts... it's like I have learned so much and thought about so many different things, that nothing seems new anymore. It's like all of the thoughts that I think, I've thought before. And I hate that. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to Know more about Jesus every day. I want to know Him more everyday. And what is stopping me? I'm lazy. I know I've mentioned it before, but seriously, the only way that I can learn more and know him more and hear him in ways that I've never heard Him before is if i seek after Him with all that I am... I know that I say that I live my life for Him, and that's true to the core of my being, but really, why am I so lazy then? why can't I spend hours every day reading his word? Those precious hours I spend hanging out with friends or accomplishing literally nothing while sitting on Facebook. Why would I not want to spend it with the God of the Universe? We are called to love people, and I believe that wholeheartedly, but it's pretty difficult to love difficult people when you're not spending enough time loving God. I hate the fact that we as Christians (Myself especially included) talk talk talk... talk about Jesus... talk about how we should be like Jesus... talk about how it would look if we actually lived like Him... talked about reading the Bible more, and spending more time with God, and loving people no matter what, and influencing the world yet not conforming to the pattern of it, and being less selfish, and being more radical, and so on. It's all amazing. But why are we. so. lazy? Why are we so reluctant to put every. single. one. of. those. into. action. Not 10 years from now, not 5 years from now, not when we graduate, or move, or whatever, not a month from now, and not tomorrow. But now. Today. Action. It's a terrifying word. Action. It sounds hard. It sounds challenging and uncomfortable. That's because it is. We aren't meant to live an easy life. Not even close... that's what heaven is for. But here's the thing. God shines the brightest through the darkness... It's easy when we are content in our easy life, when everything is going perfectly, to forget about who He is instead of being so captivated by him. But when life is sticky and broken, is when his healing cleansing gloriousness shines through. I think I have a point to this... When we take action, we are also taking risk. huge huge risk. But when we put ourselves out on a limb, we will be way more likely to feel him supporting us, holding us...or if we fall, catching us..... than if we were sitting in a tree house...or better yet, sitting on the ground. safe... and stagnant.
           ok... so I don't know how much of that made any sense... but I guess I'm ok with that. Planning and organization is overrated... for me at least.

p.s. If I remain stationary after all this talk about movement and risk and action... you have official permission to call me a hypocrite and shun me for life.

Rock Tour Recap

          My mind often feels numb... but I thought about it, and really... I absolutely hate feeling apathetic. And if I hate apathy, then I'm really not apathetic am I? This week I went on the Rock Tour, which was a 3-day trip to Kansas City with a bunch of middle schoolers from my church. I lead a small group of 6th grade (going into 7th grade) girls, so I went on the trip as a leader/ councilor/ chaperon type person. Don't get me wrong, I was excited, but I don't think I was fully prepared emotionally and spiritually. I was still stuck on missing camp, and it was hard for me to move past that and go on a new Jesus adventure. At first I was a little disappointed that none of the girls that are in my actual small group were going to be in my small group/ hotel room for the trip, but it was so cool because I immediately connected with the girls that were assigned to me. Again, God so obviously placed our room together. I knew that I was going as a leader and stuff, but I didn't fully realize the responsibility that was being placed on my shoulders. I had to watch them at all times, and hold their money, and the rest of their stuff, and take care of them in the hotel room, and make sure they were on time to everything (which is difficult enough for me because I'm almost always late to everything.), and make sure they ate and drank enough, and wore sunscreen, and didn't die on a roller coaster or drown in a pool (we went to World's of Fun and Oceans of Fun), and lead them spiritually, and so much more. My patience was definitely tested continuously, but that was mostly overcome by my love for them. I started to realize their lack of patience... they wanted to rush everywhere, and go on all of the rides they wanted to go on, and they didn't want to wait in line for anything. For a while I was kind of caught up in the rushing too. Until we went on the tallest roller coaster in the park with a massive drop down a huge hill. As I was about to go on the ride, I said a little prayer: "God, please help me enjoy this and get the most out of these moments. Help me see you."... and as the cart climbed to the top of the massive hill, I looked over the entire city of Kansas City, and just then, a gorgeous sunset was just shining through a break in the clouds... the most glorious thing I've seen in a long time, and a sense of awe combined with peace overwhelmed me, and then we began to fall, and as my hands were raised high, I felt like I was flying... and praising God at the same time. It was the most incredible feeling. Later that night 47 people crammed into one little hotel room to have large group time. The "series" for the trip was called "iShine" basically talking about ways that we shine for Christ. afterwards we broke out into our hotel rooms to have some small group time. So I told them about how we shine. And how shining is really sticking out and not conforming to the pattern of the world. And how the ultimate way to shine is to look like Jesus... who was the epitome of humility... in a world that is incredibly self centered ( I was mostly thinking of myself and how selfish I am, and what God showed me at camp.).  I talked with them about the example of shining as stars, which a friend had pointed out to me a little while ago. (Some stars shine brighter than others.. some come and go, some aren't visible at all, and we are called to shine like those brightest starts that shine among the darkness) I didn't know what verses to use to back me up, so I opened my Bible to a random page, Philipians 2... which contains the two titles: "Imitating Christ's Humility" and "Shining as Stars". It was so perfect. Thank you, Jesus! The entire passage was wonderful, but the verses that stuck out the most which the girls could remember and apply the easiest were verse 3: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." and verse 14: "Do everything without complaining or arguing." The last day of the trip, we stopped at a park for a service opportunity. We were going to spend a couple hours cleaning it. After only a short few minutes I was getting fed up with how much my girls were complaining... about everything, but the thing is, they didn't even notice. Finally after about an hour of putting up with it, I finally said "Let's make a pact.. let's try not to complain the rest of the time we're serving... and every time one of us does, we have to get pinched!"... And they took it pretty seriously! I think they started to realize how much they do complain, and they remembered the verse. "Do everything without complaining or arguing."

          On the way home everything started to catch up with me.... even though it had been a fun time, I was weary and overcome by exhaustion... physically, spiritually, and emotionally... and my patience was getting shorter. I don't think I have ever heard my name so many times in such a short amount of time... And when I got home, I realized I have GOT to "fill" myself up more... or rather allow God to fill me up more before I can pour so much into others... especially since I will most likely be doing those kinds of thing the rest of my life. I can't give what I don't have, or else I'm gonna get burned out... which means I seriously need to get more rest... both physically and spiritually "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28. The morning after I got home, I got up to meet up with my amazing Bible study friends at Duos so that we could all see each other one last time before  Hannah leaves for Washington D.C. for 3 weeks. They are my support crew. Seriously, they blow my mind... constantly. The are an insane blessing in my life that is completely indescribable. I love every one of them like a sister, and it is sooo sooooooo evident that God has bonded us together and we are in each other's life for a reason. A very specific and powerful reason. (as cheesy as this all sounds, it's true.). Anyway, they lifted me up so much and encouraged me and prayed over me after I stumbled into that coffee house looking like a ridiculous mess of a zombi. Thank you guys... I can't say it enough. And God heard those prayers, because I have found so much peace and rest in Him.

What are some other things I did on the Rock Tour?

• Converted several girls into roller coaster lovers.... which are some of my favorite things in the entire world.
• Found the world's biggest dandelion!
• Came within feet of a massive snake
• Helped paint a boy's finger nails
• Had to pay 4 stinkin dollars for a bottle of water!
• Got sunburned along with 46 other people on the trip... after applying sunscreen... twice.
• Peed on a bus without being frowned upon
• Caught Bieber fever for the first time
• And obviously soo much more.

Kinetic Withdrawals

          To be completely honest, right now I'm probably not in the best state of mind to write about deep things, and I have no idea how it will even be possible for me to summarize this past week in a way that makes sense, but I am determined to post this blog while my memories of camp are still fresh.
          Every year I go to camp with two big things on my mind: 1. Expectations of an amazing week, and 2. worry that my expectations will not be met. The night before I left for camp, I was basically having an anxiety attack. Camp has always been that one thing that I constantly look forward to. The highlight of my year. I literally count down the days. But this year was going to be a lot different, and I knew that. And it scared me. I was worried that I was going to compare this year to previous years and end up disappointed... and that's exactly what started to happen. I got to camp and instead of focusing on the amazing things that God was going to do and the amazing people I was meeting, I found myself selfishly comparing this year to previous years. And it was distracting me from the reason I was there: to encounter the God of the universe and grow closer to Him. But the cool thing is, that is exactly what camp was about: distractions, things that hold us back from going all out for Him. I started to reflect on all the things that distract me and hold me back, and I realized that one thing ties them all together: Self. I am sooo selfish. And it's selfishness that causes me to fear what people might think of me, or become lazy, or jealous, or a worry wart, or greedy, or have a "need" for attention... and so on and so forth. I've always known I'm selfish, but I've ever been hit so hard by that truth. Which leads me to another thing we talked about, (sorry, my mind is jumping all over the place) truth. We talked about the importance of not simply basing our faith off of the "truths" that people tell us, but asking difficult questions and seeking those answers for ourselves so that we can have a solid foundation to base our faith on.  I'm the type of person to base my faith off of my experiences with God or what I read from the Bible... and even though those things are awesome, I'm learning the importance of seeking out knowledge as well... and I've realized that honestly I know close to nothing about cultural context of the Bible, or why we believe the Bible is true, and so many other things... and what holds me back from learning all about them? pure laziness. My prayer is that I would have the desire and passion and drive it takes to really research why we believe what we believe.
          Speaking of truth, another thing we talked about was the lies that we believe about ourselves. Honestly, this is something that I've been struggling a LOT lately... and it was something I prayed that God would transform in me this week....and he did. He showed me that these things I've been struggling with ARE lies. And what blows me away is that almost everyone in my cabin was struggling with the same lies about themselves (not good enough, not smart enough, not bold enough, not loveable enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not worth enough....). It is so obvious that God placed our cabin together. We are all so ridiculously different, but we just click so perfectly... like a little family. We never held anything back from each other... and i mean anything. It seriously amazes me how real we were with each other all the time. We are all from different towns and churches, and even states, but we act like we've known each other forever. And we also knew how to have fun... we were basically attached at the hips the entire week... and it never got old or annoying (even though we were probably annoying to everyone else). It's pretty much amazing. I love them so much!

 Some other things that grabbed my attention:

1. Power of prayer. Why do we ever doubt it? (I might go into more detail with this at a later date)
2. So many times, our relationship with God is a one-way friendship... it's all about "Help me" or "Please...", or "Can I...?" or whatever.... it's all about Him being there for us, but we rarely take the time to really praise Him and seek His face to know Him better.
3. Our life is only a small teeny tiny itty bitty part of eternity... why not go all out???!

        Ok, I apologize about the length of this blog and my rants, and I'm sorry if none of it made any sense. But basically, the point of this story was that I had nothing to worry about. It turned out to be an amazing week where I got to spend time with an amazing God and meet some amazing people. My challenge now: facing the real world. It's hard. This week went by so incredibly fast yet it felt like I had been there forever. As a result, I'm having major Camp withdrawals. But soon I will have to start all over. Wednesday I leave for Kansas City to spend time with some awesome middle schoolers and other middle school leaders. My prayer is that I will have the energy to get the most out of it, and help them get the most out of it too.

          Any questions about what God did at camp? I would love to talk to you and go into more detail. And if you don't really care, that's totally cool too. :)


On a lighter note, what else did I do at camp?

• Bowled backwards in the longest bowling game in the history of...ever.
• Ate a peach with re-fried beans, brownie chunks, pepper, and a suddenly salad noodle on it.
• Tubed down a poop river in the middle of the night
• Licked the inside of a sweaty shoe and a well-used sweat band
• Bathed in mud and won a t-shirt because of it
• Sang in the shower with no regrets...even when the entire camp could probably hear
• Interpretive danced like there's no tomorrow
• Shared saliva with unknown amounts of people via launching ice cubes
• Became a ninja... until I was kidnapped by creeper van
• Ate a cheeze-it with my belly button
• Stuffed someone's dirty sock in my mouth for 10 seconds... right after the universe's most epic dance party.
• Convinced two people that my name was Floyd... and they believed it all week.
• Kicked someone in the face while doing a cartwheel 
• Spent literally hours at a time talking in the bathroom
• And oh so much more. 

Was I at any point embarrassed or grossed out by any of the above? not even a little. Should I have been? probably..... That, my friend, was freedom that I found in Christ... I didn't care in the least what anyone thought.... so either I was A.free. or B. just a freak.... Either way, I'm His, and that's all that matters.

Embracing the Day... a Different Kind of Summer

           On the last day of school I was sitting on the computer in one of my classes when I began to look through my student files from the year. I found a document from a class I took first semester, Advanced Comp. That teacher made us free write during the first five minutes of class every day (That is, until we all became rebels and spent every day shopping online and looking up youtube videos.) He always told us that the best free-writing was unfiltered and unedited. Our hands should just move and we should simply write, or type, the first things that popped into our head. And let me tell you, that is exactly what we did. I found some pretty ridiculous free-writes when I looked through that document. Some were hilarious, and some were just dumb, but the one that stuck out to me the most was the one I wrote on the very first day of school:

Wednesday, Aug 25^th, 2010

            I don’t really know where to begin. This school year so far just seems like a dream, like it shouldn’t be starting yet but at the same time I feel like this is at least the 3^rd day of school. I confuse myself like crazy. I don’t knowwhat to do. I don’t know where to start… I’m dreading this year but at the same time, I’m somewhat excited and I  have a feeling that this year is going to be much different… actually, I’m scared that it won’t be. I want it to be different. I want it to be a year that I remember. A year that I actually put effort and all that I am into what I’m doing. Into absolutely everything that I’m involved in. it seems impossible, but deep down I know that He can geive me the strength to do that, to accomplish things that I never thought I could, to change lives, starting with Him changing mine. I’ve said it over and over and over again, and I know that I’ve meant it before, but I think that I mean I t even more now. I don’t know where to go from here, and I hope that I will know soon. I almost feel like I can’t go anywhere from here, like I’m trapped, but I know that there is a way for me to get out very very soon… i want to be crazy.

          There it is. The unedited cry of my heart on the first day of school (or maybe it was the second day?). I had completely forgot about it until that last day of school. And in a way, it kind of makes me feel like a prophet of some sort (a very amateur one) because this was exactly how my school year went down. But more than anything, it shows me that God heard that cry. And He answered it, big time, and blew all of my expectations out of the water. I witnessed countless lives continuously be transformed, including my own, and God showed me how and where to move. It amazes me to the core. But the purpose of this blog wasn't to summarize this past school year, because that work has already been done through my own journal, and I would probably end up with a post the size of a full novel if I tried to write about everything.  Instead, I'm going to pour out a new cry. Even though I'm already entering my second full week of summer, I hope and pray that rest of this summer...

1. Would be different than any summer I've had before.
2. I would embrace the day, meaning that even though I have a lot to look forward to, I would be present in the present, enjoying the time that I have been given, and that I wouldn't take any moment for granted.   
3. Would be a summer of growth, so that I can go back to school senior year stronger and closer to God than ever, renewed and ready.

          And my hope and prayer for this blog? That like my journal, it would be an authentic picture of God's movement in my life this summer, and like my Advanced Comp free-writes, it would be unfiltered (although slightly edited)....as if my fingers were ferociously attacking the keyboard.