Broken Promises.

It's August. Just in case you didn't know. Do you know what that means? I leave for college this month. My mind is starting to shut down due to being overwhelmed by reality yet numb from denial. A ridiculous contradiction that is consuming my thoughts and emotions. I don't know if I have ever been so unsure of anything in my life. Sometimes the only thing that I'm sure of is that I'm afraid.

At the beginning of this summer, what did I say? Well, to quote:

280 days have past since my last post. However, it is currently 1:17 A.M. and I do not have the proper brain energy to generate a legit post. So let this post be a promise to myself and whoever else it may concern that I will be back to blogging this summer. My fingers need the exercise.

I promised.  Ok, it's just a blog post. Not that big of a deal. But I promised because I knew that I would have amazing moments this summer. That it would be a summer that prepared me for college. A summer that allowed me to enjoy life to the fullest these last days at home. And all of those things did happen. It has been truly amazing. And for that reason, I regret not documenting those incredible memories like I wanted to.

As I think about going to college.. and what I'm most afraid of in my future... it suddenly hits me.... Yes, I'm afraid of rejection, failure, being uncomfortable, and I have so many weird crazy phobias... but more than anything in the world, I'm afraid of broken promises. I'm irrationally afraid that God will not fulfill His promises to me. His promises that say that He will never leave me or forsake me, that He has plans to prosper me giving me hope and a future, that He makes me strong in my weakness, that nothing can ever separate me from His love, and that He has chosen to use me for His Kingdom... Yet more than my irrational fear of God not fulfilling His promises, I'm afraid of not living up to my own. My promises to live a life sacrificially with every fiber of my existence glorifying the God of the universe as I refuse to live a comfortable, settled life. That lives would be changed forever, and the population of the Kingdom of Heaven would multiply because I chose to say yes to God's calling on my life. And what I fear... is that on my last day, I will look back in regret, because I broke the biggest promise a person could ever make. I'm afraid of disappointing myself. I'm afraid of disappointing others. I'm terrified of disappointing God.

What's the cure to broken promises?
Grace. Trust. Forgiveness.

Abba, give me the motivation, passion and desire to fulfill all of the promises I make. Thank you for your grace and forgiveness when I do mess up. I trust you. That you will never break your promises. And when I don't trust you, forgive me. Even though I don't deserve it. Your grace is unbelievable. Thank you. I love you.